


Words Eternal

by lemmeread



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Bookstore, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Tattoo Parlor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Dan Howell Is Not A YouTuber, Dan Howell wears makeup, Depressed Dan Howell, Depression, Drinking, Explicit Sexual Content, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internal Monologue, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Original Character(s), Pastel Punk Dan Howell, Phil Lester Is Not A YouTuber, Phil Lester Is Smooth, Punk Phil Lester, Recreational Drug Use, References to Drugs, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Tattoo Artist Phil Lester, Trans Male Character, not dan or phil
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:34:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22517833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemmeread/pseuds/lemmeread
Summary: Dan catches eyes with a stranger numerous times over the night when out with a friend for New Years. He never thought he'd see him again, let alone that he would walk right into his bookstore.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 15
Kudos: 24





	1. Pubs, Bookstores, Tattoos

**Author's Note:**

> This idea came to me on a random thought one night and now I can't get it out of my head so here it is. Please enjoy and bear with me as this is my first dip back into fanfic in about 9 years. As of right now this fic is un-betaed so keep that in mind for any strange typos or misplaced punctuation. I hope you enjoy!

“Were you at the pub last night?” A voice asked coming from behind him.

“Well, that all depends on who’s asking.” Dan laughed and was startled as he turned around by the stranger now standing in front of him. “Oh, hi. I’m so sorry about that, thought you were someone else. What can I help you with?”

“Oh, right, I was looking for a Neil Gaiman book, The Wolves In The Walls. I couldn’t find it.” The stranger stumbled through his response. Dan took note of the small black moon under his right eye and a heart under his left and two black rings through his right nostril.

“I can go check the inventory if you’d like to follow me?” Dan aimed a thumb behind him towards the front of the store before making his way with the stranger following him. 

_Handsome stranger_ , his brain supplied as he smiled to himself. He made his way around the counter to his computer and typed with no results populating.

“So, it looks like I don’t have it, but I can order it and have it here,” he drew out the word in a long breath before adding, “Friday. Would that be alright?” He looked up to meet his eyes and offered a smile.

“Is there any way I could pay for fast shipping and have it here Thursday? I’m getting it for my niece. Her birthday is coming up and I’d nearly forgot about her party this weekend, but I worry that if I don’t get it here early it’ll get lost in post or something.” The handsome, raven-haired, tattooed, tall and lean yet somehow muscular, man questioned. 

“Yeah I can do that. It looks like the book is 8 pounds and expedited shipping will be an additional 7. Is that alright?” Dan asked looking back up from the screen before him to meet the man’s eyes once again. The piercing, pale blue and yet somehow flecked with yellow and green eyes.

_Dear gods brain shut up._

“That would be perfect, thanks.” The man grinned wide and pulled out his wallet, one in the shape of a PlayStation, from his back pocket to pay.

“And could I have your name and number?” Dan asked before quickly adding, “For the order I mean. I’ll call you or text if there’s no answer when your book arrives.

“It’s Phil. Lester.” He waited for Dan to finish writing his name before rattling off his number and then handing him the owed money. 

Dan counted out his change and handed it back when the stranger, Phil, spoke.

“It was you at the pub, right? On Glen Street? The Hideout?” Phil asked with a half-smile playing to one side. 

Dan nodded, “I was yeah, I went out for the New Year. I was uh, well a bit more done up then I am right now.” He laughed moving his hand in a sweeping motion over his sweater clad torso and black skinny jeans.

“You had makeup on last night. It looked really good.” He wore a smile as he gave a quick up and down glance of Dan.

“Oh, thank you. I like to go all out sometimes. I’m Dan by the way, nice to meet you.” He waved a hand in dismissal. 

Truthfully, he’d noticed the man too last night. He first noticed his ears and how they were stretched a bit larger than a shilling with silver tunnels in them. He was wearing a red and black flannel with the sleeves rolled up just a time or two, a black ribbed tank top, and black skinny jeans with holes in the knees. He remembered the large tattoo on his chest, script underneath his jutting color bones and a flurry of color spreading over the skin he had visible. He’d had beautiful dark hair that he wore up in a quiff with the sides shaved and faded up over his ears. They’d both caught each other’s eyes a few times but neither made the move to speak. 

“It’s nice meeting you.” Phil smiled. “Do you not wear it here then? The makeup?”

“Not really, sometimes on a rare occasion. Honestly, the painted nails are enough to give someone’s Gran a heart attack most days and I need the business being a small shop. That and I’d just really rather not deal with someone’s ignorance and shitty comments if I don’t have to.” He explained, shrugging his shoulders and handing the receipt over before wiggling his fingers to show off his painted black and glitter flecked nails. 

“I can relate. People have a lot of different reactions to the tattoos and piercings.” Phil shrugged his shoulders back. “Well I best be going. Thanks for your time, I’ll be back when you ring.” 

Dan turned up a grin and watched as he made his way towards the door. He spoke up right as the man was in the threshold of the exit.

“Just for the record, I really like the tattoos. You suit them well.” He felt a blush creep up his neck and up towards his cheeks.

Phil smiled back at him, “Thanks. I’ll be riding that for the rest of the day. Cheers.” He waved a hand and then walked out to the street, the bell on the door ringing as it swung closed.

“Cheers.” Dan called back softly, the door already closed and Phil out of his view.

~~

**New Year’s Eve**

“You’re kidding me, right? I could absolutely get someone here to be my midnight kiss.” Dan rolled his eyes at his friend as he handed him a beer and backed away from the bar. 

“Alright, sure Max. We’ve got,” Dan pulled his phone out of his back pocket to check the time, “a little over an hour until midnight. I think you may be ringing in the New Year with just little ole me.”

Max laughed before taking a swig of his beer and responding, “I’ll make you a bet. I get a midnight kiss and you buy the next two rounds, if I don’t then I’ll buy.” He held his hand out to Dan which he shook.

“Deal.” 

“Well then I best get off to lookin’ huh? I’m gonna take a peek around, stay close to here.” Max pushed back his shoulder length blond hair from the top of his head and began to look left and right.

“The pub’s like, the size of a living room here dude. I don’t really think you’ll have trouble finding the six-foot three guy.” Dan chuckled.

“Who knows, might confuse you with that bloke.” Max took a swig and pointed with the hand holding his beer to another quite tall man who was covered in tattoos. “Although I’d have to pin you with the ability to grab someone’s attention with that outfit.” 

“And what exactly is wrong with my outfit then?” Dan asked incredulously looking down over himself. He wore a sequined jacket over a sheer top and a pair of overly distressed skinny jeans.

“Not a single thing there Danny boy, just spitting some facts.” Max wagged a hand as he walked away and left Dan standing alone towards the back of the bar.

Dan scanned the room and quickly found the other man Max had been talking about. He was gesticulating wildly as he spoke to the person in front of him and it brought a small smile to Dan’s face. The man brought a beer up to his lips and then looked around, making eye contact with Dan. They shared a small smile before breaking the stare. He looked back, trying to get a better look at the man and was at nearly openly staring at this point. He had the decency to at least look away every couple of seconds but they caught each other's gaze a few more times. At one point he thought the man was going to come over but someone he was with grabbed him by the shoulder and started speaking into his ear. Dan looked away and opened his phone to scroll aimlessly through Twitter as he sipped on his overpriced beer, chuckling at the odd tweet here and there. Before he knew it the crowd around him was growing restless and he looked up to a TV above the bar to see a timer counting down from 20 seconds.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he jumped slightly before turning to see his friends face.

“Empty handed then I see?” Dan laughed and finished off the remaining dredge in his bottle before tossing it in the large black bin next to them.

“Not entirely, I have a plan up my sleeve.” Max pulled his lips into an evil grin as they heard the room begin to count down around him.

 _Ten_  
_Nine_  
_Eight_

“You kiss some poor unsuspecting woman and I will punch your fucking teeth in Max.”

_Six_

“Wasn’t my plan.”

“Prepare to pay up then.”

_Four_  
_Three_

“We’ll see about that.”

 _Two_  
_One_

Dan went to point a finger before feeling a strong kiss being planted and he quickly pushed the person off. He heard a raucous laughter from Max as he sputtered.

“You mother fucker! Fucking dirty cheat. That doesn’t count.” Dan yelled to him, Max still laughing uncontrollably, doubled over and clutching his stomach.

“Holy shit, the look on your fucking face Dan. Oh my god, I’ll never forget it.” Max was wiping at his eyes and took a long swig of his beer.

“You, actual fuck. Actual fucking motherfucker fuck. You’ve probably ruined any chance I had of going home with anyone now.”

“Oh, come off it, like you were going to pull anyway. You’re going to finish your beer and then want to leave. Am I wrong?” Max cocked his head as he spoke.

“Shut up, I’ve had some looks. I could if I wanted to… besides, I just finished my beer.” 

“And you want to go home, don’t you?” Max pestered him, finishing off his bottle and tossing it loudly into the bin. 

Dan let out a sigh and crossed his arms over his chest. “Alright, you absolute fucking wanker, I want to go home.”

“I could tell your social interaction meter has been full since I left you an hour ago.” Max started to walk out of the bar backwards with Dan following. “But hey, now neither one of us has to buy rounds.”

“You’re full of shit to your ears if you think you’re not buying a round next time after that stunt you just pulled.” Dan jabbed a finger into Max’s chest pushing him through the door as they walked onto the street.

~~~

Dan awoke to a blaring alarm of some loud rap song he kept forgetting to change from his phone. He tried fiercely to grab at it without looking and couldn't find it. Finally, with a heavy sigh he pulled the blanket out from over his head and snagged it off his nightstand. He slid a hand down his face after turning off the alarm and sat up in his bed. He stretched his arms high and pulled his shoulders back, giving his head a twist sided to side. 

The silence hit him harder this morning than it usually did. No one beside him when he looked over, no dog skittering across his hardwood floors, no good morning or rise and shine. Dan had never been someone that relied on someone for anything. He never even relied on his parents to provide for him. Then there were days like today though, where he just wanted a cuddle or a good morning kiss. Wanted someone to bring him a coffee in bed or even romp around with him before they started their day. He groaned into the silence of his room as he threw himself back on the bed to stare up at the ceiling. 

“I don’t have the time for this bad brain day bullshit.” He put his face into both of his hands and tried to block out the creeping thought of _you could just stay in bed._

He urged himself out of bed to get ready for the day, slugging to the kitchenette to turn on his kettle before making his way back to the bathroom. He had a quick shower and shave and by the time he made his way back to the kitchen the kettle had turned off and his water was near perfect temperature. He measured out and poured his coffee grounds into a French press, following it with the hot water. A sad smile played on his face as he looked at his kitchen counter. He had his own routine, and it was fine that there wasn’t another person associated with it right now, they would come along when it was the right time.

He turned on an episode of some random anime series he’d been watching and pulled his phone out as he ate a bowl of cereal. He was looking through Instagram when he came across a picture of a group of lads, all with beers in their hands. As he went to scroll past it, he paused and looked closer. One of the men in the picture was the handsome tattooed stranger, Phil. He clicked on the picture and it revealed the tagged names and he quickly clicked on the one over Phil’s torso, _philythevampireslayer._ He chuckled and began looking through his feed, a myriad of images of tattoos and calligraphy work with a scattered poem here and there. 

It looked to Dan that this Phil fellow was most likely a tattoo artist for a living. It made sense, he had tattoos on his face which weren’t super common, even in London and he was otherwise very much covered in them. Dan was zooming in on a picture of a quote from V for Vendetta, “within that inch we are free,” inked in a beautiful style over the outside of someone’s forearm when a notification flashed at the top of his screen. 

_Philythevampireslayer started following you_

Dan doubled and nearly spit out his coffee, making sure he hadn’t accidentally liked this picture from months ago. He breathed a sigh of relief when he was sure he hadn’t and took a moment to laugh at his mini freak out. He felt a little bubble of pride and excitement knowing this Phil fellow was probably stalking his page too after he got a like on his most recent picture of him in his outfit for New Years.

He checked the time and quickly downed his coffee before he finished getting ready for his day. He hummed a laugh to himself as he opened his closet doors and looked at the vast array of generally monochrome clothing before him, settling on an oversized black striped jumper that had areas of distress in random places and a staple pair of skinny jeans. He poured himself another cup of coffee into a thermos before making his way out of his flat.

He locked his door, walked down the flight of stairs from it and came out to the street, turning right he took the few steps to the front of his shop. He pushed the package that was in front of it in with his foot, scooting it inside and to the side. He turned around the sign hanging off the glass to read open and reached up to pull the string to his annoying neon open sign. He pulled out a chair from behind the counter and then retrieved his package, bringing it over. He separated the few books into piles with names and receipts on top of them and began making his calls, texting those who didn’t answer before sitting down in his chair. He pulled the cardboard box down behind the counter and kicked his feet up to where it had been sitting. He grabbed his own book he was currently in the middle of off the top of the register drawer and opened it, picking up where he had left off in _A Midsummer Night’s Dream._

Reading had always been a favorite pastime of his, and now he had his whole life dedicated to this shop. His parents told him it would never work, that he would never be able to afford it, to keep it running without doing something else on the side for a steadier income would be impossible. It didn’t matter how many times he explained that the first couple of years for a small business usually had less profit over cost or barely broke even and that he’d been saving for this inevitability, they still barked he should be doing something different. Incredible that they didn’t even speak to each other and could somehow use the same words to tear Dan down without even knowing. 

His dad still stuck to this idea of him eventually getting through law school, and his mother even brought it up occasionally for a fall back for him. Didn’t matter to them that he earned a degree, a Master’s in business no less, that could get him hired somewhere easily but also assisted in him running his own business, they still stuck to law. Of all things, could they _really genuinely_ picture him as a lawyer? In his daydreams he thought about it sometimes, him standing up there with an incredibly tailored suit, skinny black tie, with painted black fingernails and makeup done. It was almost laughable how much he couldn’t see himself standing there in a court room, but the idea of the suit was nice. 

He was glad to have found something to do with his life that he enjoyed. Growing up it was hard to see this day, hard to see most days in front of the other. It was hard to believe he’d made it this far when there were many times in his life he didn’t even expect to be alive looking forward, and truthfully it’s not like he hadn’t tried to not be. He pushed that thought out and shook his head. He was trying to have a better day than he did morning. There was no use in bringing himself down, he had accomplished a lot, he should congratulate himself, not pester his own mind. 

The rest of his day passed on without much flare, helping people here and there with questions they had and offering his own personal recommendations when warranted. He ordered a few more books and then sat back down behind the counter. He had already finished his calls and texts, so he looked over his to do list he had on a sticky note flagging off to the left on his computer. He decided he would get up soon but before he could he made his way back to the endless scrolling off his phone. He posted a picture of his feet up on the counter, book in lap, coffee thermos beside him, proclaiming how nice it was that he had the ability to do this. 

He turned on music to play through his phone, hating the same bland Pandora station that constantly played overhead and started to do some finishing up in the store. The shelves needed some tidying up and a good dusting off on the tops of them. He made his way around cleaning here and there while pulling a cart behind him to return stray books back to their homes. He’d been so lost in a song that he hadn’t heard the bell on the door ring to alert him of a customer. He stood up after pushing a book back into its hole on a bottom shelf and popped up to see a person standing there. 

“Oh shit! Gods, you scared me. I didn’t hear you come in.” He held a hand over his chest giving a strangled laugh, then realized it was the same good-looking stranger he’d been picture stalking earlier. 

“Shit, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you! I was literally about to announce myself; I swear. You okay?” Phil asked placing a hand on Dan’s upper arm and looking him in the eyes.

Dan waved a hand, “Oh no, I’m fine I swear. My hearts pounding, but I’m fine. You just spooked me is all.”

“I feel so bad, it was a total accident.” Phil proclaimed giving a remorseful grin as he gave his arm a squeeze and then removed his grip. 

“Really, it’s fine,” Dan grinned back, “I’m just a really easy scare.” There was a brief silence that fell between them before Dan cleared his throat and spoke up.

“You’re here for your book I would take it?” 

“Yeah, and sorry for not answering the call earlier. I’m a tattoo artist and I was with a client. I can’t really stop when I’m in the middle of it.” Phil explained following behind Dan back to the front of the store. 

“I figured from your Instagram you may have been. Your work is really nice.” Dan walked behind the counter and looked at Phil.

“Oh, thank you. Yeah, I really like lettering work, it’s my specialty.” He patted hard at the back of his neck and offered an explanation when Dan gave him a strange look. “I’ve got a new one there, you’re not supposed to scratch it, but it itches like hell so I’m just slapping it to help with the feeling.”

“Oh, huh. I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to scratch them. What’d you get?” 

He turned around and pulled his collar down a bit to show a fresh bit of colorful ink that went from around the middle of the back of his head to disappear down the nape of his neck of a prowling tiger. “Just while it’s healing. It scabs over and you can pull the ink out scratching it with your nails.” He turned back around to face Dan and asked, “Do you have any?”

Dan shook his head, “I’ve always wanted them, I just never really knew where to put them on my body because I never really knew what I wanted to do, and I didn’t want it to stop me from getting a job. I was going to be a lawyer at one sad point in my life,” he chuckled, “my mom talked me out of getting them then. Then after I had the ability to with my career, I just never went through with it.”

“I get that. I get a lot of comments on the ones I’ve got, older women especially for some odd reason. It’s so strange, they either call me cute or tell me I’ll never be able to get a real job. I don’t have it in me to fight with people anymore about how I own my own business and the tattoos are more of a help than a hinderance.” He paused for a moment before adding, “What did you want to get?”

Dan guffawed as he tried to wrangle his thoughts, “I had so many different ideas. I wanted to get a boat with a little heart on it, my little idea of something representative of Pyramid Song by Radiohead. I’ve also always wanted this Shakespeare quote, it’s a long one from Romeo and Juliet that starts with, ‘when he shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars.’ I wanted to do a full sleeve of just Final Fantasy and like the characters from it. I could go on forever about this.” He laughed and turned to wrap up Phil’s order and placed it in a bag before handing it over to him from across the counter.

“Well, if you ever wanted to actually get something, you’ve got my number, feel free to text me and I could draw up some ideas for you.” Phil took the bag and smiled.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Dan replied smiling widely and Phil nodded before turning towards the door.

He stopped just before the door to look back at Dan, “Thanks for getting this in early for me. And um, you could also just text me if you wanted to go get a cup of coffee or something.” 

“I’ll keep that in mind too.” He felt the blush creeping up again and returned the small wave Phil had given.


	2. Bad Brain Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit heavy. This story will feature quite a bit of talk on mental health and bipolar depression. There will be some unhealthy coping, some sad days, and some insight to symptoms of bipolar depression as well. Every chapter won't be focusing heavily on it but it may be in the background. Also with the way I write, I love dialogue, expect a lot of it.

“No way, I don’t believe you for a second.” 

“It’s true! I felt like I was going to throw up before I said it… well and while I was saying it, and after I said it.” Phil responded, furrowing his brow and tightening his lip as he pulled a long line underneath his already finished script on his friend’s ribcage.

“I get it.” She said quickly stifling a laugh and instead grimaced at a particularly sore spot.

“Almost done. I did though, exactly like I said. I mean, it wasn’t like asking him on a date, I was just giving him the option to make the first move… Well wait, that was me making the first move. Him the option to reciprocate maybe?” 

“Whatever you say there, Phil. I don’t know if I have ever known you to be that smooth in your life.” 

“Shut up Nick, I can be smooth sometimes. I was today. But, I’m also amazed at myself if it helps.” Phil laughed and wiped at the excess ink and blood pooling at the surface of the skin. He wet his paper towel and wiped lightly again and looked up to Nick’s face.

“I love the smell of green tea soap.” She smiled.

“Yes, I know dork. Only tell me every time. I believe I’m done if it is up to your standards. Go take a look.” He moved back in his rolling stool to give her space to hope off the table and looked behind her in the mirror as she held her shirt up to look at her fresh tattoo.

“Brilliant mate, as always. Fucking brilliant. You are a mastermind Phil.” 

“Doubt thou the stars are fire; doubt that the sun doth move; doubt truth to be a liar; but never doubt I love.” Phil recited as he took apart his machine, disposing of the used needles and then his gloves. “Never really pegged you for the sentimental type.” Phil smiled as he put on fresh gloves and began spraying down all of his work surfaces and machine. There was a knock on the door and they both called safe before it opened.

“Your indicators have never really been good though, have they?” She laughed and moved to the side as Phil’s apprentice walked in to cover up her tattoo. 

“I could’ve done that Kai.” Phil hip-checked him lightly and laughed.

“You could’ve but I need the experience. I’m also supposed to be doing that too weirdo. Why didn’t you yell for me?” Kai asked as he carefully placed a large sheet of Saniderm over Nick’s tattoo. 

“You’ve been doing this long enough you don’t have to come clean for me every single time. Plus, you were just finishing up with your client only a bit ago, figured I’d let you rest, that was a big one.” 

“That’s what she said.” Nick laughed and pulled her shirt down and elbow bumped Kai as he went to take his gloves off.

“Pfft, hopefully eventually.” Kai scoffed drying off his now washed hands.

“How’s hormone therapy going then?” Phil asked turning to look at him.

“It’s going. I’m finally getting a little happy trail though!” He said excitedly and pulled his shirt up slightly to show off the small patch of dark hairs under his belly button. 

“Hell yeah dude! Look at that!” Nick went in for a true high five this time and Phil smiled at him. 

They sat and chatted for a bit while Kai sat between Nick’s legs as she scratched her nails over his freshly buzzed sides of his hair. They were a strange trio, but they were always there for each other, creating their own odd little family. Phil worked at his desk trying to clear up some of the mess and scattered papers listening to their friendly banter back and forth and interjecting with a quip here and there. After a while Nick gathered her things and gave Kai a hug before walking over to Phil and bringing him out of his organizational trance.

“How much do I owe you?” She asked and he turned in his chair to face her shrugging his shoulders.

“Whatever you think.” 

“ _Ugh._ You do this to me every time Phil. I swear I don’t even know how much tattoos cost anymore. Is $140 enough?” She huffed as she pulled out cash from her wallet.

“That’s plenty Nick, really. You’re like my number one client and best friend, I’m not gonna charge you full price. You should know that by now.” She made an exasperated sigh even as she wore a smile on her face. She handed him the money and leaned down to hug him gingerly, avoiding her fresh tattoo, before heading out the door. 

Once he was alone he brought up an image for an appointment he had tomorrow and began to sketch out different font designs for his client to pick from. The hours flicked by and soon enough his other employees were coming in to give him their final paperwork and saying their byes. Phil told Kai to head out early and he would take care of closing up the shop. 

He locked the door behind him and turned on a favourite playlist of his with the beginnings of a My Chemical Romance song playing and got to cleaning up the main floor. He sang softly and out of key and thought of the adorable bookstore owner, crossing his fingers and toes that he would text him.

~

“Wait, wait, _wait,_ wait, wait. Hold. The _fuck_ up. Homie with the tats. The one that was at the pub the other night. He showed up in your store _and_ gave you his number?” Max slammed a hand on the coffee table arising a jump from Dan.

“Well I mean, he gave me his number so I could call him when his book came in.”

“No. Shut up. He told you to text him if you _wanted to get together._ ” Max did air quotes as he squinted his eyes at Dan. “That was him giving you his number. Like for more than just the book. Full stop mate.”

“He said for a coffee.” Dan paused the movie they had on and leaned back and crossing his arms over his chest. Knowing Max, he wasn’t giving this up any time soon.

“Oh, will you actually shut up. You and your dumb semantics bullshit.” He huffed and gestured, pointing at Dan with both hands, _“That_ was him asking you to make a move back. He gave you his number, now you text him… Wait a second, _have you texted him?”_ He squinted his eyes further.

“I didn’t want to seem needy.” He shrugged lightly. “Plus, I don’t even know if he meant it in like a friendly way or like a, ‘hey I’m also into dudes this is a date,’ kind of way.” He pulled a half smile and leaned back even further into the couch.

“Tell me _exactly_ what he said again?” Max asked turning his full body to him and Dan let out a heavy sigh. “Oh, get over yourself and just tell me.”

“He said something like, you’ve got my number, if you ever want to talk about a tattoo feel free to text me, and then he said or feel free to text me if you want to get a cup of coffee… Well, he also. No, nevermind.” 

“Excuse me, ‘Mr. Secrets don’t make friends.’ What was that?”

“He _may_ have also complimented my makeup.” Dan sped through his response, hiding his face behind the beer he was currently drinking.

“Yeah, he’s into dudes. Specifically, this dude right here.” Max said pointing at Dan.

“I really just think he was being friendly, like literally friendly. Like, just trying to make a friend. It’s not like you can’t compliment a friend.”

Max held up a hand, “Do you remember what I said when I was trying to be, ‘like literally friendly,’ to you?”

“No? Probably something along the lines of,” Dan lowered his voice to a mocking tone, “hey man we should go grab a beer sometime.” 

“I said, we should hang out sometime, maybe go grab a pint.” 

“I was close enough.” 

“What I didn’t say was, hey text me and we can go get coffee or something.”

“Isn’t it the same thing though? Like, it’s just going and grabbing something to drink, which is literally what you just said too. It’s just different kinds of drinks.” Dan stood up and walked over to his kitchen to grab a beer out of his fridge. “Did you need another bev?” 

“Dear lord, steady _on_ Dan. It’s not the same. There’s a difference in someone asking to go get a pint, and hey let’s get coffee or we should get a drink together. The first one is friendly, the last two are more date-y.” Max looked at his bottle and nodded to him. “Yeah, one more.”

“I really don’t know why you’re making such a deal out of this.” Dan twisted the tops off the bottles and threw them into a shadowbox his mom had gotten him for his kitchen last Christmas, the glass pane of it reading, ‘Two beer or not two beer,’ in a curly script.

_Shakespeare is fucking everywhere lately. Google Baader-Meinhof phenomenon again later._

“How are you not making a deal of this?!” Max yelled back.

“Mate, the neighbors are going to call the cops again if you don’t calm down.” Dan rolled his eyes sitting back down in the couch, handing a beer over to his loud friend. While, yes, he did live in a loft over his store, there were also lofts over basically every store on this strip of downtown he was living in. 

“Oh, come on, like I give a shit what Andrea and Nate do.” He said as he flipped off the wall behind him. He took a long drink of his beer and set it down on the table, clapping his hands together. “Anyway, what are you going to text him?” 

“I don’t know, probably, hey it’s Dan, the bookstore guy, did you want to grab a cuppa?” 

Dan sat and listened to his friend rattle off a long list of the many different ideas he had for conversation starters. They spent the rest of the night chatting about whatever popped into their heads, Max leaving just before midnight and Dan waving him out of the door and locking it behind him. 

He walked around his living room picking up the stray beer bottles scattered on the side and coffee table and whatever bottlecaps he’d missed. Wiping off the glass coffee table he cursed Max for never putting his drinks on a coaster. Finally, he made his way to his bedroom after shutting off all the lights. Looking out to the small private balcony -- that was one hundred percent just a fire escape at some point in its life -- coming off his room and over to his bed he made a quick decision. Dan rummaged a blind hand in his nightstand, pulling out a small red makeup bag Max’s sister Sammy had given him years ago from out behind a few books in the bottom and slipped outside. 

His balcony truly was a tiny little space, but it had walls on both sides to give him some privacy and offered a nice view of the river. Sitting down in his wicker chair, he pulled out a bowl, packed it, and took a hit. He took care leaning back into the bowing backrest and looked up. As he exhaled, he placed the bowl on the rusting metal table beside him. He closed his eyes and folded his hands across his stomach and listened to the sounds of the city slowing down. He thought about turning on his phone to play some music, but he couldn’t be bothered to move enough to get it out of his back pocket. Soon he let his mind wander around the depths of his psyche. Thoughts of his old hometown threatened to bubble when he decided to take another hit and make his way back inside.

He closed the blinds most of the way to the balcony, leaving a bit of space so the sun could shine in when it rose, and shed his clothes before climbing into bed. With phone in hand he scrolled through his social media accounts before finding his way back on Instagram. He stopped at a new post from the ever enigmatic _philythevampireslayer._ It was a long quote, one that Dan recognized from the play _Hamlet._

 _Fucking again with the Shakespeare?_

It was placed on this person’s ribs and had linework and shading around it in various places to make it look like it was written on a piece of old parchment. Without a second thought Dan liked the picture breathing a laugh to himself the irony of him talking about a Shakespeare quote earlier. Feeling his eyelids betray him and become heavy he sat his phone on his nightstand and rolled over in bed. For a few minutes he repositioned himself to try to make himself comfortable before he went back to his phone, suddenly more awake now that he’d made the smallest amount of movement to sleep. 

He quickly found a playlist on Spotify he had made for his sleepless nights, turned the volume down and set it to shuffle. Finally, he was able to wriggle down into bed and ease himself into the warmth of his blankets. The thought of Baader-Meinhof phenomenon crossing his mind just before he went into a dreamless sleep.

~

Dan rolled over in bed looking out at the balcony seeing the dim sky with just whispers of light rising. It was still early enough that he could very well sleep for a few more hours if he so decided.

_Stay in bed. You know you’re tired, just have a lie in._

He turned his head to the side to look towards the wall on the other side of his bed and frowned. The feeling of exhaustion pressed on the inside of his ribcage, and his bones ached with the need to just… just.

“Nope. No. Fucking, _not_ doing this today. Getting up.” He quickly sat up and threw his legs over the edge of the bed. 

In a quick decision he made his way to the kitchen to fill a bottle with water and then back to his bedroom to change. He threw a pair of joggers and a loose hoodie on to keep him warm, pulled on a pair of runners at the door, and made his way out to the street. Weaving his way around and through the alley he came out to a paved trail, put his headphones in, and began to jog by the riverside.

_It’s okay if every day isn’t a good day but today is._  
_There’s nothing wrong with needing to talk to someone._  
_Just because the moon is out doesn’t mean the sun won’t shine._

Pestering even himself, he rolled through his own motivational script of pick me ups to get him in a better mood. He did genuinely enjoy exercising; it was just getting up and making that final step to do it that was so hard for him. After about an hour of exercise he made his way back towards his flat.

Dan picked up his phone after getting out of the shower as he towel-blotted his hair and went to his texts. After opening a new message, he scrolled through his contacts. He paused to look at the number he had saved as ‘Phil’ with the drop of blood and black heart emoji next to it. He made impatient taps on the screen with his nail before typing out message after message and going back on them.

~~Hey, it’s Dan, the guy from the bookstore.~~

~~Heyy, it’s Dan.~~

~~Hi~~

Finally, he reasoned he had already sent a text from this number and there was no need to reintroduce himself and typed out something he was moderately agreeable with.

Dan: _I think I’d like to get coffee or something._

He shot off another quick text to Max letting him know he finally texted Phil and decided to go ahead and head downstairs to open early. 

He opened up shop and sat behind the counter opening his book to continue reading. He read the same paragraph close to ten times before finally setting it down and aggressively sinking down into his chair. 

He rubbed a hand over his face and looked up to the old crown molding around the corners of the large room of his shop. It was pretty easy to get bored here with no consistent customers but today just seemed to be extra mind numbing. He heard his phone vibrate and grabbed for it with his head still looking up. He bolted to attention seeing the notification reading the name of his newest interest, Phil. 

Phil: _How’s Sunday look for you?_

Dan: _I’m closed on Sundays so I’m wide open._

Phil: _What a coincidence, as am I. Let’s say noon at Black Sheep Bean?”_

Dan: _Looking forward to it._

Phil: _I will see you there :)_

That giddy feeling hit him all at once and his face hurt with way he smiled widely. He sent Max a text and pushed out of his chair with renewed energy. 

“I’ve got a date.” He whispered quietly. “I’ve actually got a date.” 

_You’re going to hang out and get coffee. Don’t read that far into it._

Instantly his smile deflated. Realistically, this could very well just be Phil trying to make a friend. Maybe he was just an extra friendly person. Or maybe he didn’t even want to hang out he just felt obligated since he told Dan he could talk to him about getting a tattoo done. What if it was just a ploy to get him to spend money in his shop? Dan shook his head rapidly.

“Fucking stream of consciousness bullshit.” 

“Excuse me?” 

He whipped his head around to see a petite blonde woman standing a few feet back and plastered on his customer service facade.

“Hi, how can I help you?

~

One of his few past times he still stuck on to from when he was a kid was looking to the ceiling to see if he could find any shapes in it. Whether it was that god-awful popcorn texture he’d had in his bedroom then and now, or the cracks running along the recessed ceiling in his living room. As he lay face up on his bed, he searched for something. Searched for anything that could even remotely resemble a shape he enjoyed. 

Nothing. Tonight, he saw nothing. His vision blurred with tears threatening to betray him and fall without permission while the silence began to consume him. He faintly heard the door to his flat open and at this point it could be an axe murderer and he wouldn’t bat an eye. 

“Dan? You really need to lock your door mate. You in the bedroom?” Max’s voice carried through and he couldn’t even dignify him with a response. 

“What’s up?” He moved his eyes in his direction but didn’t have the energy to turn his head completely as he saw Max walk into the room with a large envelope.

“You got a package.” He stood to his side and placed the envelope on the nightstand. “Alright there Danny boy?”

“Not feeling hot if I’m honest.” 

“Are you ill sick or you brain sick?” He felt the bed shift as Max sat towards the bottom edge of it.

“I’m not contagious if that’s what you’re asking.”

“No, you know what I’m asking Dan.”

“I may have been in my head just a bit lately.”

“Dan.”

There was a long pause before he responded. 

“Yeah. It’s brain.”

He felt Max pat a hand on one of his shins and squeeze. “You’re still seeing Adelaide every other week then?”

“No. I actually haven’t seen her in a couple months now.”

“I didn’t know you weren’t still going. Think maybe now might be a good time to start seeing her again?” He heard the underlying questions within his question. 

_Are you thinking of hurting yourself? Are you going to hurt yourself? Do you need to talk about it? Should we go to the Calm Center?_

“I don’t know. I’ve just been seeing her for so long I feel like she still treats me like the little kid she was working with years and years ago.” 

“Well maybe you could see if her office recommends someone else then. Maybe even at another facility entirely.” Max was rubbing lightly on the top of his shin, squeezing here or there. Dan knew this was a tactic to keep him from dissociating that he’d learned after a particularly nasty panic attack not long after they’d first met. The changing sensations reminded him where and who he was. 

“Yeah, I thought of that, but then I’d just have to unpack all my shit to someone new and fuck I don’t know if I’m there yet. To talk about some of those things.” Dan stared at the ceiling willing it to just cave in the moment Max walked out of the door. 

“They send over paperwork tosser. You only have to unpack what you want to.” 

It wasn’t a bad idea, seeing someone new. They might have a fresh perspective for him that he hadn’t heard. Dan liked Adelaide, but he’d been seeing her since he was 16 and he wasn’t the same person he was over a decade ago. He was scared of course; it’d take him nearly a year of switching doctors to finally find some he liked, that person being Adelaide. But it couldn’t hurt to try and see someone new, especially if they were recommended.

“Alright. I think I’ll do that. I’ll call tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow’s Saturday mate.”

“Ah shit, Monday then, whatever… Not to be rude or anything but what are you doing here?” 

“There he is.” Max laughed and it brought a small smile to Dan’s face. “I’m on the way to the tube station to get Sammy, you know she can’t ever find her way to my flat. You’re on the way and there was a package on the street for you. I wasn’t gonna let it stay there and have someone nick it.”

“Oh… well thank you.” Dan replied softly.

“I’ve got to head there for her. You gonna be alright?” 

“I’ll be alright. Tell little sis I said hi.” He pulled up half of his mouth into a grin and turned his head a bit to actually look Max in the eyes. 

“Will do mate. Get some rest, get out of your head.” 

And with that Dan closed his eyes. He didn’t bother to get up to follow Max out. He had a spare key and would lock up on his way out. 

It occurred to him after what felt like eternity that all of his lights were still on, and he was still in a pair of jeans and _fuck_ if it didn’t take every ounce of energy in him to make his way around his flat to turn them off before ending up back in his room. He turned towards his bed and took his jeans off before scuffling into it as quickly as he could. Turning over to the side against the wall he reached his arm out and grasped at nothing but his duvet cover. He gripped it tightly in his hands and felt hot tears threaten to push out of his tightly closed eyes.

Silence.

Silence used to be his saving grace. His safe haven. His ultimate escape. When he was younger, silence meant safety. No one was yelling at him. None of the bullies were trying to hurt him. His parents weren’t yelling, and his brother wasn’t sobbing in his arms. He wasn’t sobbing into his pillow. 

Now however, silence reminded him of how he pushed everyone away with his inability to communicate. Whit his inability to open up. He spent so many years hiding himself away that to show anyone the inner workings of his mind was just social murder, or so he let himself believe. 

Only he could have a day he tried his best to make great, a day filled with the prospect of possible romance on the horizon and end up crying in be out to no one. He blindly grabbed one of his extra pills and shoved it behind his back, a trick he used to mimic some form of contact. Then he did what he was best at since childhood…

Cry himself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably post once a week with updates for this story! Again, comments are always warranted and I'd like to know what you guys would like to see if anything through this story. The songs for this chapter are My Old Ways by The Plot In You and Louder Than Thunder by The Devil Wears Prada. If there are any typos or weird things I missed let me know!


	3. What A Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some explicit content in this one (There will be more too throughout this), not super but it's there. There is a part with an OMC, just fair warning!

Dan didn’t end up opening the shop when he woke up Saturday. He finally gave into the leering thought of a lie in and thought that maybe it would help him to feel better in the long run. In truth it did a bit. After a long day of staying in bed and only getting up to pee and get a glass of water, he could tell he was in a mildly better mood. He didn’t want to get ahead of himself, but he crossed his fingers in the hopes that this meant maybe the next morning would be even better. 

Max came to check on him later after he got off from work, bringing him some curry chips from the takeaway on the corner he liked with all his favourite dips. They somehow ended up sat next to each other on the floor of his balcony sharing a spliff. Max insisted on getting Dan outside in any way possible on his days like this, stating even if it was from his home the London air would help clear his head. Well, if the weed didn’t that is. They were crying with laughter about some dumb meme he was showing Max on his phone when he felt it buzz with a notification.

“Oh, I see how it is. You know the bloke for ten seconds and he gets emojis next to his name. Only took me a fucking year and all.” Max roared to which Dan responded with rolling his eyes and a half- hearted flip of the bird.

He tapped the notification to open the text and saw an image pop up on his screen. He felt his heart swell as he read the text underneath it.

Phil: _Radiohead came on my playlist earlier and I thought of you and your idea. Enjoy :)_

He turned the phone around to show Max and held a stupid grin on his face. 

“We were talking about ideas I had for tattoos when he came in the other day and one of them was from Pyramid Song.” He turned the screen back towards himself and stared at the little line work paper boat with a big black heart on the front and saved it to his phone. “That’s honestly so sweet, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to say back to it.” 

“Ask him if he would like to elope now or later?” Max laughed and lightly pushed at his shoulder with his own.

“Oh, shove off.” Dan said as he pressed back before typing out a response that was far less likely to scare the hell out of him.

Dan: _That’s literally what I thought of when I imagined it. It’s wonderful. Funny enough I thought of you today too. I forgot I’d ordered it but look._

Dan sent a picture of what was in his package that arrived yesterday. It was a black crescent moon with a Final Fantasy quote, ‘no matter how dark the night, morning always comes, and our journey begins anew’ on a piece of cardstock he was going to hang in his living room. 

Dan: _The crescent moon reminded me of you :)_

“If you start sexting just let me know and I’ll leave you be.” Max laughed taking a deep inhale then passing the nearly spent joint over. 

“Yeah, I’ve never even seen the guy for proper more than a minute, but we’ll be sexting in about thirty seconds if you’d kindly leave me alone.”

“Well, there was that Grindr guy-“

Dan leaped to silence Max and put his hands over his loud mouth, “You said we wouldn’t speak of that.”

~

It was late, far too late for him to just now be showering but at least he was cleaning the grime of the day off. He had his music playing through a speaker, a playlist he had eloquently titled _Bad Bitch_ that he usually played when he was getting ready for a night out. He was mouthing the words to a new Charli XCX song and he could feel the energy slowly returning to him. He had learned if he was going for a better day, he needed to work on it as much as possible with himself.

There were times he could spend days, weeks even, in his own head. Depressed, alone, and back to pushing people out. There were times where if he really tried, he could keep the feelings at bay and get back to his daily routines easily. Sometimes, a bad day was just a bad day and he was trying to make this be one of those times. After all, he had a date to look forward to. 

_Is it really th-_

He shook his head of those thoughts and went back to humming along to his playlist. He picked up his razor and looked down to his legs and groin. He could do with a bit of a trim. But what if he cleaned up and then something did happen? He wouldn’t want Phil to think that was all he had in mind. But what if something did and maybe Phil didn’t like that he _wasn’t_ groomed? He was also getting a bit wrinkled on his fingers…

“Fuck it.” He said before going ahead and lathering some shaving cream up his legs. 

When he was done, he wrapped a towel around himself and blotted at his curls with an old cotton t-shirt, a trick he’d learned online to help them be less frizzy. He turned his music down just a touch and finished up his hair care before making his way into bed. He went to place his phone down and laid in silence. 

His thoughts crept to Phil. How he was just barely taller than him. How his arms were definitely toned in a way that showed he used them often for lifting. He let his mind linger on the idea of those arms wrapped around him, his large hands holding his hips. Before he could stop himself, he was trailing a hand over his chest and down below his bellybutton. He closed his eyes and thought of all the color he had covering nearly every inch of his visible skin and how the contrast would look between them when they were shirtless together. Naked together.

_You’ve not even gone out with the guy and you’re going to wank to him? What a class act you are._

“He’s fucking hot though. So fucking _hot._ ” He let out a gasp as he reached over the outside of his pants and took a hold of himself. 

Phil on top of him, kissing the life out of him. Wrapping those beautiful arms under his back and up to grip his shoulders and hold him close. Biting and sucking his neck, chest, and then lower, to his thighs. Waiting until he was trembling before finally getting his mouth on him in one swift motion. He pushed down his boxers and began to stroke himself quickly, feeling so much better without the layer between him and his cock. He reached down his body and gripped at his own hip, imaging Phil’s inked hands doing it. Holding him down as he inched up and down at such a tantalizing rate. 

His breath hitched in his throat as he made practiced strokes over and over. He thought of Phil, and what the rest of his skin on his abdomen looked like when he was undressed. Thought of his bare legs and what they were colored with. Then, the thought of Phil possibly having a Prince Albert and it pushed him over the edge as he came. He reached over to his nightstand and pulled a few tissues out of its box to clean himself. He hummed a content sigh and rolled over to get comfortable in bed again. His eyelids already heavy now that he was coming off the spike of dopamine and he let them stay that way. Thoughts once again drifting to the handsome stranger as he fell asleep.

~

“Dan, come on. My parents won’t be home for hours.” He heard his friend in his ear and closed his locker to turn to him. 

“Calum, I thou-”

“Please, Dan.” He interrupted him pulling on his arm before quickly letting go. “Please.”

“Alright. Okay.” He held his hands up in defeat and walked through the halls trailing behind the shorter brunette out towards the exit. 

They quickly made their way to his house in static silence, Calum two steps ahead of Dan the entire time. If there was any way to describe it, eager would be it. As they entered the doorway of his bedroom Dan barely had a chance to set down his school bag before he heard the door slam and he was being pressed up against it. 

He felt one of Calum’s hands sliding to the back of his head and the other pushing under his shirt before he realized he needed to reciprocate. It was frantic and messy the way the kissed, neither one really ever winning dominance and both grabbing at each other like they would never see the other ever again.

“Thought we were going to talk about this.” Dan breathed out as Calum sucked at his neck and began to undo his belt.

“Actions, Dan.” He replied hearing Dan let out a laugh and pulled them to the bed in the middle of the room after getting Dan’s jeans off.

Dan tried to reciprocate but Calum pushed him on the bed and quickly made work of his own jeans before climbing over him. He unbuttoned Dan’s shirt slowly, taking his time to look at him, running his hands down his exposed chest and down to his pants. Dan reached up to unbutton Calum’s shirt and they locked eyes for a brief moment before Calum broke it and went back to his soft movements. He pushed the shirt off his shoulders and Calum pulled Dan to sit up and pulled it off of him. 

He threaded a hand in his hair and pushed him back down gently, kissing him much slower now. Dan used every bit of force possible to flip them over until he was on top of him and smiled. He planted a kiss to his lips before moving down his jaw and to his neck. 

“I want to try something new. If you’re okay with it that is.” He whispered under his ear before moving down his body, leaving open mouthed kisses over his stomach. He looked up to see Calum wide-eyed and staring down at Dan. He pushed another pillow under his head and nodded fiercely as Dan pulled down his underwear. 

This was something they’d not done, not even talked about yet. Then again, Calum was never good with his words. The first few times it’d been awkward grinding and dry humping. Then one day Calum reached down and palmed himself over his jeans, telling Dan to do the same, and it turned into masturbating together. And finally, after weeks of heated staring and whispering their wants they began to fumble through getting each other off. 

He locked his eyes with Calum as he licked his way up from the base before closing his eyes and tentatively taking him in his mouth, making small motions up and down.

 _“Holy fuck,_ Dan.” He heard him drop his head back on the pillow and he smiled briefly to himself before gathering the courage to take more of him in. 

He brought his hand up to touch what he couldn’t quite get to with his mouth and started a bit of a quicker rhythm up and down. After a few quick minutes he was hollowing out his cheeks and pulling his hand away and using just his mouth to reach every inch.

“Dan, I’m not gonna last very long.” He warned but Dan only hummed and reached a hand down to begin stroking himself through his pants. “Oh fuck. I’m gonna come.” 

Dan pulled away at the last second and brought his hand back up to finish him off and watched Calum’s face twist into pure ecstasy as he kept pulling him through it. When he was done, Dan made his way up the bed and pushed his pants down quickly, wrapping his hand around himself flying his hand over so quickly it was a blur of nude skin. He turned his head to look at him when he felt Calum replace his hand and began a steady but fast rhythm until he came over his hand in long ropes.

They both wiped themselves off and were putting their clothes back on when Calum spoke up. 

“That was by far the best thing we’ve done.” He said facing away from Dan, sitting on the side of his bed. 

“Well I’m glad you liked it, but I wouldn’t very well know.” Dan laughed and saw Calum shake his head. “What? What’s up?” He asked sitting beside him.

Calum opened his mouth and closed it a couple times before finally settling on, “I just don’t know if I could do that.” He barely turned his head to look at Dan through the curtain of his hair over his eyes. 

Dan raised an eyebrow at him and stood up, hand on hip.

“Dan. I’m… well, I’m not gay. I don’t think I could do that like you did.” He averted his eyes and looked into his lap.

“Fucking-” He let out an angry scoff and shook his head. “Okay. Fine. Right. Of fucking course you aren’t. You know what Calum? No more. For real this time. I’m leaving.” He grabbed his school bag and ripped open the door. 

“Dan, wait!” He heard Calum call behind him as he barreled down the stairs towards the front door.

As he was putting his shoes on Calum’s parents opened the door and stepped on the landing.

“Dan! Hello love. Are you not staying for dinner?” His mom, Kelly, asked as he was pulling his trainers on. 

“I’ve got to babysit.” He said bitterly through closed lips and pushed past them through the door and out to the street. 

He made his way home and went in through the back door, sneaking as quietly as possible up to his room before shutting his door. He set his bag down and sat on the edge of the bed, head in hands. He wiped at his eyes aggressively to stop the tears from running down his face, but it was no use at this point. He stood up and went to his dresser to change out of his clothes and got back into bed. That’s when he heard it, the creak of the floorboards.

“Dan, is that you? Decide to bless us with your presence?” The door opened and there towered his father.

“I just went with a friend to study after class.” His voice wavered and he hoped it wasn’t heard as he watched his father leer closer. 

“What’s that on your neck?” The fear shot through his entire body as he went to come up with an excuse.

“Burnt myself with the straightener this morning.” His dad scoffed and shook his head. He turned around and went to the door, turning off the light and closing it.

“Fucking straightener he says.” He heard from the other side of the door before a loud pound on it opening it back up. 

“Do you think I’m fucking stupid?!” He screamed at him, sprinting towards him in his bed.

~

Dan gasped as he awoke and bolted upright. He looked around his room franticly as he tried to slow down his rapid breathing. He pulled his knees up and placed his elbows on them, holding the sides of his head in his hands. 

“Just a dream. Nasty fucking reliving of a dream.” His heart still pounding, threatening to burst out of his chest at any moment. 

He turned and grabbed his phone off his nightstand to check the time and sighed in relief. He tapped on the notification to read his unread messages and tried to use the facial recognition to unlock it to no avail. 

_‘Am I really so grotesque in the morning my phone doesn’t recognize me?’_ He thought to himself as he put in his code.

He smiled and tapped on Phil’s name where it had an unread icon next to it. 

_Excited for coffee today. Hope you rested well. See you soon :)_

His heart was beating faster now for another reason as he read the time again. 

_11:28_

“Shit!” He jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom to get ready. 

He ran through his brief makeup routine as quickly as possible, adding shimmer to the inner corners remembering Phil’s comment about his makeup before. He rifled through his closet quickly pulling out a sweater that faded from baby pink to a dark grey and throwing it over his head and pulling on his pair of _incredibly_ distressed black skinny jeans. He blindly grabbed a pair of socks and put on whatever pair of shoes was the closest before grabbing his phone, wallet, and keys and running out the door. 

He put the address of the coffee shop in his phone and breathed a sigh of relief at it only being a ten-minute walk and set off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely sure how many chapters this will be, I'm thinking maybe 8-10. I'm working on it as I go but I do have an ending and also an epilogue mostly written.  
> Songs for this Chapter are I Can Hear Your Laughter On The Wind by The Lulls In Traffic and I Wanna Be Yours by The Arctic Monkeys.  
> As always, I appreciate comments, and let me know if I royally fluffed something up! Thanks :)!

**Author's Note:**

> I have so many songs I really associate with this story and songs I listened to that helped to inspire a chapter or had a feeling for the chapter. I'll probably add one or two songs per chapter at the end that are in reference to it. (I liked this idea and intoapuddle did it for Monochrome, which is also an incredible fic you should read it). 
> 
> Songs for this chapter are Sugar by Brockhampton and The Hardest Part Is Forgetting Those You Swore You'd Never Forget by Being As An Ocean. These are two VERY different songs in sound, but the sentiment of them is similar.
> 
> Any comments are greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance!


End file.
